when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
