Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
