How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
