My brain says no but my pants say off.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
