I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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