we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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