oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
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Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
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I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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