I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
