Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
