We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
