Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
