Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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