Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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