My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
