There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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