i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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