Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
