he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
