I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
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