So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
