Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
