I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
