I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
