Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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