Only a mothe r could love this liver
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
