I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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