is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
