i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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