You made me cry and you don't even care
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So squirting runs in the family.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
