Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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