I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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