he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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