So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
