There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
