you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
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Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I need to sanitize my soul.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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