I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
