You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Actions speak louder than pants.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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