My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
