my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
