She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
