it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
