My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
