bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
