video games are the ultimate cock blocker
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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