Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
