I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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