This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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