I am puke
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
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