moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
