if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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