Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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