I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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