Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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